7 Products Your Future Self Would Want You To Have
Be good to yourself!
1. Carbon-Creeps-be-gone! Tunes for ‘Innocent people’!
Are you tired of Chinese spies scanning for carbon in your kitchen, Russian spies rooting around your rubbish bins? Buy this CD of natural animal sounds, to cover the sound of your appliances and cars.
‘Guaranteed’ carbon-footprint free* Buy CCbG-Tunes now! and get a free copy of Cuckoo’s live music DVD ‘Conceal yo’ stuff’ now for just 6 Carb-coins!
Testimonial: “Wow! I’ve been playing this CD in my car and I haven’t been stopped by any member of a vague, yet menacing government agency in weeks!” -Vodyka Vodkanov
Editor: anonymous
2. GuitaroCarbono
Are you done with having low credit scores? Here the solution: grab the guitar, plug it in and start rocking. Create carbon while rocking and distracting the government with your awesome music.
Plug the guitar into the ground. The special magnetic signals of the plug make a chemical reachtion with the soil and generate the carbon. The sound of the guitar will distract any regulators. And if you bring yourr old guitar you get five brand GuitaroCarbono’s for your whole family. Otherwise costing just 5 Carbon Credits.
Testimonial: “I was so far in dept that the government wanted me executed, but with this rocking gift from god, I escaped the devil’s paws.” -Eddie
Editor: anonymous
3. USB-Stick
Don’t we get too much information everyday? It is a USB to be planted in your brain and enable you to store information you get daily. You can make files, name and delete as same as noraml folder.
Everything will be done in your brain to open up. You only need to think about “open”, “file”, “delete”. For safety (to not activate when you didn’t mean it), you can also change the name for the command. In case the information you get is over capacity, we now offer a plus 100GB as an iCloud storage for 50€/ month. AI included USB (organise your information into files automatically) + 100€. Buy now for 100€ (1TB), 250€ (3TB) or 450€ (5TB).
Testimonial: “Whenever I need the exact information I don’t need to look up on a phone anymore!”-Nataly“The other day when I was drunk I deleted on of a files accidentally, however, fortunalty I was saving the file in iCloud too!” -John
Editor: anonymous
4. s.p-corp proudly presents My Spy. Tell your spy about your expectations and let us ompress you. Now on the App Store and Google Play.
Are you tired of your feet hurting and getting callouses from all the walking to different places when you don’t even know if they are worth it? s.p-corp has an innovative new way of guanrateeing wheter a place will be worth walking to. We pair you up with a spy of your choosing that will investigate your desired location and sen you a report to see if going yourself is even worth it. You can even mae your spy interact with others for a more authentic feel.
Once you get paired up with a spy, he will ask you about your expectations, wants and needs from a location. After the connection is established, he will go in your place, be it a holiday spot you suspect is underwhelming, or even a job meetig, your personal spiy will do it all. Limited numbers! Download now to make sure you get to brag about your very iwn persnoal spy. This app is 1free to download!*
*in app purches may apply
Testimonial: “My husband and I are very busy people. this is why we gotta make our vacations really count, yknow? We can’t just go anywhere, we need to make sure it is perfect. My Spy does just that! We spent our spy Gary to inspect this location we’ve been hearing about to make sure the buss is worth our money and time, and surpries surprise! the place fit our expectaions perfectly. Our spy says he had a jolly good time on the sunny beaches of our dreams, and we couldn’t be happier. Of course our paid vacation days are over, but my husband and I will surely go next year now that we know from a trust worthy soruce that it’s the right fit for us.” -Mal W. Earl, our CEO. is the son of a prestigious high class family with inisght into the spy world. Aren’t we so lucky such a well connected man wants to help the people? Anyway the review comes from his cousin.
Editor: anonymous
5. Carbon Voyage
Do you have enough of living in a counrty where the carbon credit score is low? What better way to conrtadict yourself than by travelling to somewhere else? Make your carbon dreams come true! Buy this toiletry bag and hop on a plane to your next destination! Especially made for airport checks, this toiletry bag is the eperfect compainion for your carbon-full adventure to a carbon free (ish) counrty!
Comes with 2 pockets for your air filtering masks. You will receive a free mini certificate for your travel carbon emission.
Testimonial: “I loved this toiletry bag from day 1, up until day 365! I’ve been travelling more than I have before thanks to it! All the airport employeed compliment me on it. 4 starts out of 5! (the colour is not the same as it is advertised!) And the three pockets for air filtering masks?!?!? Wow!"-FreeBritney2001
Editor: anonymous
6. Train-a-Traitor
Are you tired of finding your child consipiring against this great nation again? Find out if your child is conspiring with the enemy, and get them back to being a government spy before it affects their social credit ranking.
They will send you a test with which you can discover any traitor behaviour coming form your child before it’s too late. If they are found guilty, all you have to do is send your child to the special Fun-camp©. Call now and they won’t rat you out for being an accomplice. Starting price is only ₽36,99.
Testimonial: “After I found my boy Johnny talking about China with his friends again I got so scared. Nothing I did helped. Then I purchased Train-a-Traitor. Not only could I discover how badly my son was betraying out great nation, but I also received help fixing him. Now he doesn’t say anything about China anymore, actually he doesn’t speak at all… So no more worries.”-Vlad Vodka
Editor: *censored*
7. Treengine
Have you used up all your Carbon Credit (CC) for driving this month? Walk no more! With our new all natural technique this product will even out your CC. Now introducing the Tree Engine (TE).
The TE eats up your Carbon evening out your CS. just put the TE in your backseat and let it do its magic. For just 2 months of your bank statements the TE could be yours.
Testimonial: “Before the TE I had to walk to most places, but now I just add more TEs till it evens out!”-WeChat Pro Reviewer
Editor: anonymous